


drown me, love me, fear me

by rokosourobouros



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: (redemption is a bit of a strong word), (that's the closest i could get to an actual tag? it's WEIRD and using the tag didn't seem right), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Bittersweet Ending, Cruelty, Emotional Manipulation, Future Character Deliberately Tells Past Character Their Fate to Change History, Gen, Horror, Intimacy, Narcissism, Open to Interpretation, Post-Canon, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Temporary Character Death, Time Travel, Violence, listen work with me you asked for mindscrew and you got it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-21 01:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22553053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokosourobouros/pseuds/rokosourobouros
Summary: Azula plunges into a spirit pool and comes face to face with her younger self. What does she say?"This is your fault."Time travel/mindscrew Azula-focused fic, post-canon. Betaed by Nightpelt.
Relationships: Azula & Mai (Avatar)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 100
Collections: Past Imperfect Future Unknown 2019





	drown me, love me, fear me

When Azula breaks out of prison, she doesn’t have any sort of plan. Plans are for people with lives to put together out of the shattered pieces of their expectations; plans are for people who didn’t wait to be killed the moment their precious brother ascended the throne, only to be left rotting in a prison. Plans are for people looking forward to something.

Plans are for other people.

Azula doesn’t have much left to hold onto, but she has that. There is nobody like her.

Still, though, standing in the middle of the Fire Nation forest with no direction, no purpose and nowhere to go, she has to wonder what it’d be like.

_You could learn something,_ whispers her mother’s voice, and Azula clutches at her ears, trying to make it stop. For two years, she’s been plagued by it. At first, she thought it was just her prison cell echoing her own insecurity (what insecurity? Insecurity is for _other people)_ back at her. But now, she has to admit that it’s something more deep-seated than that.

But for now, all she wants to do is sleep.

She finds a place to rest – a pool so deep she can’t see the bottom, ringed with wildflowers and standing stones – and sits by the edge. Putting her feet in the pool is enough for her, and she picks the flowers growing next to her, tearing them to pieces with her teeth.

She’s free.

No more visits from Zuko and Iroh trying to form some kind of reconciliatory bond. No more presents from Aang, who like her _stupid_ brother, seems to think there’s something worth saving in her. (Of course there is. She was the rightful ruler. She was the jewel of the Fire Nation.)

(Is.)

( _Is._ )

No more visits from Katara, disapproving and steely-eyed, when Azula cracks her head open or burns her palms. No more whispered conversations about how she isn’t stabilizing, how she isn’t _getting better._ There is no _better._

The pool ripples around her legs, and Azula wonders if the spirits live at the bottom. She doesn’t really believe in spirits, not truly, not as much as she wishes she did. She knows that the Avatar is one, theoretically. She’s seen them. But to _believe_ in them, _truly –_ that requires believing in a force more powerful than herself.

\----

Azula, Princess of the Fire Nation, is nine years old. She doesn’t have time for grieving, even if she was particularly inclined to it – not when her father’s coronation is in two weeks. She doesn’t miss her mother, not really. The more she says it to herself, the truer it’ll be. There’s no extra room in her heart for traitors and cowards.

There is, however, plenty of room for tag – and it’s fine that Mai and Ty Lee let her win, because it means she’s running through the trees with only the pretense of the danger of losing.

She comes to a stop by the pool, though. Her headmistress and teachers always tell the students to stay away from this pool. Apparently the spirits live here; not that she’s scared of spirits. She isn’t scared of _anything._ Besides, as long as she doesn’t actually touch the water, she’s fine.

She takes a step forward, and then another. She thinks, perhaps, there’s something in the water, and the fantasies play out before she can stop them – she’ll capture a spirit and bring it home to Father, she’ll be the _smart_ one, she’ll be the best Firebender in the history of _ever,_ and Father will be so impressed –

She doesn’t realize she’s too close until the hand lashes out of the water and latches around her ankle. The scream rips out of her mouth, but it freezes in her mouth when the face comes out of the pool as well – the face that is her own, twisted by madness.

Azula trips, and tries to summon the fire or the lightning, _anything._ But she’s too scared to think straight, and it’s horrible. She doesn’t _get_ scared. She’s not supposed to. She’s done everything she can to kill that emotion in her, because only cowards get scared –

The ghost with her face smiles, a terrible rictus with water dripping into its eyes. “Come here, you fucking _brat._ ”

Azula claws at the earth, at the air, the old dream she had of being the Avatar coming back to her. Fire is the only one you have to summon from nothing – she has every other element she’d ever need. But it’s all for nothing. Her fingers dig useless furrows in the ground, and the ghost pulls her underwater anyway.

“MAI! TY LEE! HELP M-“

Then water fills her mouth, and she’s gone.

\---

There’s no reason either of them should be able to breathe, or speak, but they do. It’s a spirit pool; magic is like that sometimes. But Azula is choked by the oppressive presence of _water_ anyway. Some Firebenders just see fire as a tool – she feels it in her blood, her essence.

Perhaps that’s why this works, though.

Her younger self looks different than she expected. She doesn’t know what she _did_ expect. She doesn’t know if she expected anything. Everything she’s done has been reaction and response; none of it has been a conscious plan of action.

Now that she has the past in front of her, though, all she wants to do is kill it. She thinks, perhaps, she should feel some affection for her past self. Instead, all she can muster is a deep, abiding shame.

“Look at you,” she seethes. “You thought you were so _interesting,_ didn’t you?”

The child in front of her tries to back away, but suspended in bioluminescent water like they both are, she can’t move away. Neither of them really learned how to swim beyond the absolute basics they needed to survive. Instead, they’re just floating. “I – Who are you?”

“You know exactly who I am.”

“That’s impossible,” Azula the younger blusters. “You’re a _trick._ I’m too smart for some sleight of hand to fool me.”

Azula slaps her. It loses a lot of its physical impact underwater – but not the emotional impact. She can see the emotions on her child-self’s face. Nobody lays a hand on the princess. _Nobody._

“How did that feel?” she taunts. “Is that enough sleight of hand for you?”

Her younger self _whimpers._

“Oh, stop that. God, looking at you is embarrassing enough. Is this before or after you made Mei kiss you just to prove that you could? Before or after you started telling people you were an only child because you wanted to pretend Zuko was dead?”

“You don’t get to judge me!”

Azula’s hands make fists by her sides, then relax. She can feel the grin on her face, so wide it hurts. “ _Wrong._ I am the _only_ person who gets to judge you. Know why?”

“Because you are me?” she whispers.

“No.”

Azula’s hands find the child’s neck, and she’d be surprised by the lack of resistance, but she’s started to remember this (is it déjà vu or just the sense of the inevitable?) and she can’t remember the consequences but she will, she will, she will –

“Because this is _your fault,_ ” she hisses, and she watches and waits, and the little girl almost, almost, _almost_ stops breathing –

Azula’s hands slip away and the little girl gasps for breath, wheezing and inhaling water or air until her lungs will burst. And between breath and breath, Azula slips into her mouth as well, more spirit than substance.

\---

“NO!”

Azula hurtles awake, and for a moment, she isn’t sure where – or who – she is.

“Are you okay?” Ty Lee’s close – too close – to her, and a part of her keeps screaming, _traitor, traitor, traitor, traitor,_ over and over again.

That’s silly. Ty Lee wouldn’t betray her.

(Would she?)

“What happened?” Azula’s too frightened to pretend not to be, and when Mai slips a hand into hers, squeezing gently, she doesn’t pull it away. She might be a princess, but she’s a little girl, too.

“We found you in the pond,” Mai says quietly. “You were drowning.”

“I –“ Azula wants to cry. But even more than usual, that force within her is pulling tightly, cinching all her muscles tight.

_THIS IS YOUR FAULT._

She’s seen her own future, and it’s ugly.

_Want to know how I got here?_

She can’t look away from Mai and Ty Lee suddenly. She blinks away the tears that won’t fall.

“D-don’t tell anybody. Please.”

“We won’t. Promise.” Ty Lee smiles at her, and instead of being comforted, the fury rises up in Azula’s chest again.

_THIS IS YOUR FAULT._

 _I don’t want that to be my future,_ she begs the voice that won’t stop yelling. _Please. Tell me how to change it._

\---

She asks Mai and Ty Lee to come home with her for her father’s coronation. It isn’t that she’s scared (of what, Azula, your own reflection? How much you look like your mother when you get older? The fact that you were dressed in prison clothes?) but it’s just – she doesn’t like being alone. And it’s not like Zuko is any sort of company. She doesn’t know how to talk to him. When she’s mean to Mai or Ty Lee they shrug it off – Zuko always takes it so _personally._

She almost regrets it, though, when the vision of herself reappears in the room all three of them share. The older version of herself is still dripping with water – why water? – and she appears in the shadows left by the flickering lamp, at the foot of Azula’s bed.

“Go away,” she whispers. “I don’t want to be crazy.”

“You think you get a choice?”

“I order you to go away.”

“I don’t follow your commands, _Princess,_ ” the vision jeers.

“Everybody has to follow my commands,” Azula tries to sound haughty. But the vision just reflects the expression right back at her.

“God, I really was insufferable. No wonder.” She – Azula can’t manage to wrap her head around the fact that this is _her_ – looks at Mai and Ty Lee, sleeping on their own mats on either side of her. “And I suppose they treat you like an angel.”

“They ignore me sometimes.”

“That’s fair. Sometimes we were just being a bitch for kicks.”

Azula’s spine prickles at that. She doesn’t _like_ it when people see past the princess. “I told you to _go away._ ”

“I can’t do that. I told you. This is your fault.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Then the spirit is in her face again. “You did _everything_ wrong! You weren’t strong enough, you weren’t talented enough, you weren’t _enough!_ It was your job to become _me._ And do I look like I’m the Empress of the Fire Nation, hm? Do I look like you did your fucking job?”

Azula can feel herself starting to cry, and it’s so humiliating she wants to die – but worse, she’s terrified again. What does it say about you, when the person who can drive you to the edge of terror has your face? And she’s so _close,_ her face almost touching hers.

“You were so smart, and so driven, and so cruel, and you wasted it on, what, hanging out with your friends? Trying to befriend Zuko in case he figured out you just wanted to be his sister, that you didn’t _mean_ to be nasty? Trying to make up for not being your mommy’s favourite?”

“STOP IT!” Finally, her bending is responding to what she wants, and her fingers light up with flame.

“Azula! Azula?”

Ty Lee and Mai. They’ve woken up, and Azula can barely see them, because the spirit is gone – except it’s _not,_ it’s back in her head where it’s been all this time.

And she sees it. The spirit shows it to her.

_YOU MISCALCULATED._

Mai reaches out for her. The same kindness Azula accepted before, the same kindness she takes for granted – Mai is _hers,_ Mai belongs to _her-_

_YOU MISCALCULATED._

Two scenes at once. Two versions of Mai, two turning points. And she wants to believe that one is a lie –

-but she believes in one force, one god, one spirit, and that’s herself.

_I LOVE ZUKO MORE THAN I FEAR YOU._

The lightning shoots out of her fingers faster than the scream of fury comes from her mouth, and it pins Mai to the wall, turning her skin black before she falls to the floor.

The room falls silent.

The spirit is gone, and with it, the fury and vengeance that was driving it.

Azula covers her mouth with her hands. Then she dissolves in choking, miserable sobs, closing her eyes and shutting out the miserable truth.

\---

Azula – sixteen years older – drifts back to the top of the pool. There’s every chance none of it was real. She doesn’t feel her own past changing. As far as she’s aware, Mai is still alive.

Funnily enough, she doesn’t feel any better. She thought she would.

_-you miscalculated-_

She floats on top of the pool, staring into the sun until her sight starts to bloom and blister. Out of everything, she didn’t realize that was what stayed with her.

- _more than I fear you-_

“This is your fault,” she whispers again. Soaked through, she can pretend she isn’t mourning; her tears just look like water.

Part of her knows she could find Mai. Apologize. Be better. Except that would mean going back to prison, and Mai hasn’t visited her once. She’d say that’s an answer. Neither has Ty Lee, for that matter.

Part of her knows she could just drown herself, here. And that would be the end.

But…

“You’re thinking out loud.”

Azula startles, losing her balance in the water and slipping under the surface. She breaks the surface again, treading water.

It takes her a moment to recognize the woman sitting, cross-legged and cross-armed, by the poolside. Her most recent memory of her is one from seven years ago. But Mai is pretty distinguishable, even if just from her sardonic tone.

“I had a funny feeling you’d be here.”

“How?” Azula can’t help the anger – when she gets confused, she gets angry, it’s one of her least favourite personality traits but self-improvement has never been her priority –

Mai inclines her head towards the shore. Azula’s tempted to refuse out of spite, but the water is getting cold, and she doesn’t want any more vision-quests or time travel today. Whatever that was. So she swims to shore, shivering as she comes out of the water.

Mai takes off one of her robes and wraps it around Azula, and she isn’t _smiling,_ but there’s a softness to it that Azula knows she doesn’t deserve.

(Of course she deserves it. She deserves so much more than she’s gotten. She deserves the world.)

“So, interesting thing. I woke up this morning with new memories.”

A chill runs down Azula’s spine.

“It seems to me that we came here as kids.” Mai meets Azula’s eyes. “And I know for a fact that we didn’t. But I have memories of it, now.”

Azula doesn’t respond.

“Anyway, Aang says this is a spirit-pool. Diving into it is probably a bad move.”

“Why did you come after me?” Azula replies finally, regaining her haughtiness – although her teeth chattering somewhat ruins the mood. “I thought you were too busy with _Zuko._ ”

Mai raises her eyebrow. Then – wonder of wonders – there it is. A little, soft smile. From Mai, that’s practically a beaming smile. “You’ll never learn. I can think you’re a crazy bitch, Azula. And you are.” There’s a snap of handcuffs around Azula’s wrists – which doesn’t _surprise_ her, but it is disheartening- and then, Mai leans forward and kisses her forehead. “And I can still love you with all my heart.”

Azula doesn’t have a response to that. Mai doesn’t seem to expect one.

\--

When she’s put back in her cell – well-lit and comfortable and still a cell – her mother’s voice is waiting for her. _Did that make you feel better?_ comes the admonishment.

Azula doesn’t have a plan, still. Plans are for other people. She still isn’t other people.

“Parts of it,” she admits.

The next time Aang comes to see her, she bites her tongue, and she lets him talk. She still hates every moment of it. But it’s harder, now, to claim that there’s nothing left of her worth saving. After all, if there was nothing left of her that was good – she wouldn’t have tried so hard to kill it.

Plans are for other people.

She’ll get there.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this :) A few notes:
> 
> 1) There kind of ended up being some implied Azula/Mai? You can take this however you want - you said no unrequested ships, and it just kind of snuck in, but I don't know how non-ace/aro spec people read it. From my end, it's mostly just platonic intimacy and Azula flexing her Royalty Muscles here and there, but *shrugs???* 
> 
> 2) I actually consciously tried to write Azula as explicitly having NPD rather than the sort of half-coding she has in the show. Obviously, given that she's a villain, it's not the kindest or most accurate interpretation - but it does mean that I was somewhat guided by my experience with narcissistic collapses. Obviously NPD is not an exclusively villainous disorder, it just so happens that she's got a lot of hallmarks of it, and I love her a lot anyway, so it worked out. 
> 
> 3) How do timelines work? Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey? I'm going with "there is now a separate branching-off timeline with newly-traumatized baby Azula", so Azula still has a LOT to answer for. But what else is new?


End file.
